We Listen...
Where did it all go wrong?
What did we do wrong?
Why didn't we know?
These are just some of the questions we have asked ourselves time and time again but there is no simple answer no matter what others might say. Our story is one like so many of you that changes our lives forever and we became the silent victims of drug abuse.
Our son was a loving child and full of life with a very happy and stable family. He never made a fuss and was never any trouble but that all changed. When he left school he wasn't sure what he wanted to do with his future but he had a flair for cooking so we looked into catering college and found one that offered great prospects.
We packed him off and sat back and thought what a great idea it was and how he was on the road to a great future and he was for a few months. He started to make friends and have a social life but nothing in the extreme but he became quiet at home and there was a distance with him but nothing obvious.
We now know we missed the signs of what he was doing but in our defense we had never had any dealings with drugs and maybe too naive.
That strange smell !
Distant attitude!
Secretive !
Eyes looking strange !
Strange eating habits !
Mood swings !
Aggression !
Violence !
Hate !
Self harm !
Suicide attempts !
Help with no hope !
Lost the son we knew and loved !
This all happened within a year and once he told us he was only smoking Cannabis Resin but had also tried Cocaine but don’t worry he won’t inject anything as the fear of needles will stop that.
We lived with the stranger who was our son and the game began.
The Game !
We lived with the stranger who was our son and seeing him deteriorate in front of us was so frustrating and the overwhelming feeling of being useless but you are left with no choice because even when you get angry which happens a lot the threat of our son just leaving and going who knows where was too much of a risk so we did the best we could in the beginning.
We felt uncomfortable in our own home and the smell , that sweet sickly smell that you will never forget seeped everywhere and then seeing our son with wide eyes and that glazed look that’s when the anger was hard to control.
We put locks on our bedroom doors and kept all valuable things hidden in the bedrooms and we did a search of his bedroom every week or so making sure there were no needles and that there was no drugs in the house but he got very creative at hiding the resin but we got more creative in finding it.
It isn't a game anyone can win but we all had to play it.
The Attitude!
The anger our son felt to the rest of his family is something we will never have a reason for. The unpredictable mood swings were hard to live with and impossible to judge.
At first it stopped at arguments but before long it became physical. Pushing and shoving then hitting and kicking and extreme hate towards his own sister. She found it hard to sit back and keep quiet when he was on the rampage and seeing her own brother vent such hate to her parents was something to this day she will never forgive him for.
There was another side to the mood swings and that was the depression and the feeling of total loss that had no reason to it that he could tell us. He would sit for hours in his room just staring at nothing or pacing the room muttering words to himself. Seeing him almost revert back to being a child and feeling lost and insecure was harder to see that the violence.
How did we get through it? We has no choice.
Self Harm!
Seeing the self harm which goes hand in hand with drug use was the hardest thing to stay calm about. At first there was panic and sadness but soon that emotion was filled with anger and despair. The cuts and the burns made our hearts break but this became a secret obsession with our son and even when he was living with us he would find that one time to gouge himself but then after be filled with remorse and fear. This still goes on but the hospital visits are not as frequent.
After digging a hole in his leg then building a fire in that hole watching it burn his skin and to the bone but feeling nothing , well what else is there
If your loved one has started the self harm stay strong and even with all the love you have it can’t stop this addiction because that’s what it is
Suicide!
This was the last resort and the hardest test of the love we have for our son. He has been a drug addict for 20 years and he has tried taking his live more times than we can comprehend and the last being the last. Nothing can prepare you for this and seeing your loved one slumped in a pile covered in their own vomit and blood with glazed eyes that are so empty . Seeing blood arced over the bedroom where he severed his artery. Finding the empty bottles of asprin. Lay in the bottom of a shower covered in blood and his bowls being emptied all over his body.
This was too much.
Help with no hope !
Our world as we knew it stopped and as a family we contacted drug centers ,health officials and even a psychiatric nurse. We were told nothing and all we wanted to do was help but he didn't want or need our help and that was the hardest thing we had to do and something you will have to face.
You can't give up on someone you love but you have to stand back and let them help themselves because that is the only way they get through it.
Our son the stranger!
The way to cope is not an easy thing to accept and sometimes impossible but we had to learn to accept the stranger as our son and learn to love this new person. As a parent what choice had we?
There is no cure for drug addiction.
At times there feels like there is no hope for the silent victims of this addiction but giving up isn't an option.
The Future!
Even if the need for drugs has stopped and use is limited to the occasional smoke, the damage has been done and the mental scars never go away and the fear remains with all concerned.
As parents you are always watchful for the signs of the past returning and are very wary of what that would mean. In our view the trust that was taken for granted and was there without question has now gone and will never return.
Stay strong and love each other.